They do as they are told, but do not like making decisions. That’s just a dull anecdote that most people are probably not very interested in, but I guess my point is that cultural differences can extend beyond what is considered “direct” or “abrupt” and can go all the way to grammer and inflection, even with native speakers of the same language. In other places, being too direct or too honest, may be completely off-putting. This will oxygenate your brain, giving you a fighting chance at thinking rationally. As licensed therapist and professional counselor, Heidi McBain, MA, tells Bustle, an abrasive personality may have trouble holding kind conversations with people due to a lack of empathy. If we’re truly listening, we aren’t doing that. Openness is shorthand for \"openness to experience.\" People who are high in openness enjoy adventure. The Antisocial Personality. So what are the characteristics of an abrasive personality? I really enjoyed this post because I know I can be overly direct; which I contribute to being the oldest of 5 children, because I always felt the need to be efficient in my communication to be organized and get everything done. Thanks for the post! It's not even about them changing or toning down their personality. We partner with great leaders to help them become even greater at developing, improving, and sustaining relationships with the people who are essential to their success. Being outspoken, opinionated, and honest aren't bad qualities. Empathy is the ability to understand and get a feel for other people's emotions. It's always good to take a moment to check out of the conversation. They may not be accustomed to having these questions posed. ... too. It includes behavioral characteristics, both inherent and acquired, that distinguish one person from another and that can be observed in people’s relations to the environment and to the social group. If the abrasive personality can get other people to understand how they are as well as understand how others work, there shouldn't be too much problems. An overly direct leader can be abrupt. Don’t accuse. It just that your personality attracts people to you. It can have a way of making people feel really uncomfortable. Doing personality tests and reading up on personality types will help you form a vocabulary of words that describe who you are. It tells people that you’re in too big a hurry to really listen to their concern, understand it, and then respond. If it's coming from a loved one, chances are, they're just trying to help. When people are too 'INDIRECT' I sometimes have a hard time understanding them. Not direct enough is less direct than I am. These people tend to be risk-takers and … Sure, you have lots to do and think about, but this moment is all you have. But keep in mind that too much strong direction will provoke resistance and defensiveness when people feel they are being inappropriately ordered around. So probably I should talk to him about this issue, right? An overly direct leader can be abrupt. All rights reserved. "If others look uncomfortable, uneasy or end the communication quickly, there's your sign," Lewis says. Where you're from and how you learned to deal with people is one way … The music genres that Analyst personality types tend to appreciate more than the other Roles – rock (80%), classical (76%), jazz (54%, tied with Diplomats), punk (46%), and metal (44%) – also tend to be the ones that are most often respected for the sheer technical expertise at work as much as for the more emotional qualities of these songs. Asking a friend to help keep them in check can also be useful. Having too high of expectations of others may not go over well, Dr. Lipson says. In a number of research studies, across a wide variety of job types, conscientiousness has been the best of the Big Five at consistently predicting job performance. To convince others, you must be willing to speak up and demonstrate confidence in your idea, product, or opinion. That conversation can unlock "insight about their deep interpersonal struggles," she says. In many cases, that's a fairly compelling personality trait. It's unintentionally saying the wrong thing at the wrong time or making a joke to cheer someone up that doesn't go over correctly. The 5 recommendations you have above I will definitely try to keep in my mind when communicating with others and I thank you for them, although I have heard variations of them it is important to keep reminding myself of how to improve the interactions I have all the time with so many different people. Know what words to avoid. Learn to recognize the emotional triggers that may make your tone too insistent, harsh, rushed or abrupt. "Some people are abrasive because they find that it gets them what they want and they don't care what other people think or feel." Best Friend Thinks I’m too Direct and Personalities Clash. One thing I have found to help improve the relationship between an overly direct manager and his or her employees is behavioral communication training. I find that i often have conversations where I get caught up in the moment and can have reactions that turn people off. They tend to have high self-confidence, and are risk takers and problem solvers, which enables others to look to them for decisions and direction. You can still be honest and direct without crossing the line into bluntness and shutting others down. I think one of the worst mistakes we make is responding to what we think people are saying (or are going to say) instead of really actively listening, so that our responses are timely and relevant. Many times, I find myself wondering to who’s perception is this “agressiveness” is coming out of, as I don’t personally think that I ask questions bluntly. Optimistic, well-liked, hard-working, light-hearted personalities are the easiest to manage , work and get along with. Although many people will let it slide, there has to be at least one person in the individual's life who won't be afraid to call them out in a loving way. In some cases, abrasiveness may be a form of manipulation. But your advice about slowing down and listening is excellent. 1 … We can choose to “curb” it at times, as appropriate. Your second point, at least partially, is about the assumptions we make. It's just about being more mindful of how they act so others can feel more comfortable and at ease being around them. As shorthand, though, we refer to those personality types as A, B, C, and D, respectively. Fortunately I was also highly regarded so it was a learning opportunity rather than a career limiting move. We see overly direct talks every day in our life. They will go out of their way not to upset people. I am kind of the opposite of this type of leader. They would prefer to lead than follow, and tend towards leadership and management positions. Domineering personalities value people who are capable of being open, honest and direct above all else, according to a report released by Boston University. When a team understands each member’s inherent communication style and is able to adapt their own approach to fit others’ style amazing things can happen. The “Big Five” factors of personality are broad dimensions used to describe human personality. A lot of understanding and flexibility can come out of the kind of training you suggest. Put yourself in their shoes: A little bit of empathy can go a long way in avoiding being too blunt. Do you observe fear or engagement? I’ve coached a fair number of people who’ve moved across country or across the globe who’ve discovered this. In other places, being too direct or too honest, may be completely off-putting. Honestly – this is the most important thing you can learn to do. This blog is for leaders and those who help them to be more intentional about relationships at work. They decide quickly – almost effortlessly. People with a strong D personality style like to be in positions of authority, or where they can do things on their own terms. Personality disorders. I have owned and operated an executive coaching firm since 2003 called Aspire Collaborative Services LLC. Is there anything that I can do to lighten the impact of these questions, and still get the answers I seek? The amount of socializing you do is not because you want to do it but because people need people like you around. An emotional hot button in the leader may be hit, and their tone of voice may escalate and become more insistent. The motto of the open individual might be \"Variety is the spice of life.\"People low in openness are just the opposite: They prefer to stick to their habits, avoid new experiences and probably aren't the most adventurous eaters. So I think there is something for me to learn as well. "They are often very skilled in commanding an audience and show little patience with others," Dr. Lipson says. (Most of us are a combination of types.) As Buddha once said, “A finger pointing at the moon is not the moon itself. The most calm, flat-type personality. "Empathy is the key," McBain says. A person with type A personality could easily be recognized because of the typical attributes they possess. If you’ve had feedback that indicates that others perceive your communication style as too direct, brusque, abrupt, rigid, or blunt, here are some ways to pause and reconsider your reactions when you are communicating with others: Slow down: Take some deep breaths, all the way down into your belly. Taking the time to stop and comprehend something before you respond is a smart thing to do in any situation. Looking back I can see that I what I had to learn was as much about how to adapt to the cultural norm as it was how to communicate more effectively. Sometimes I really feel frustrated and avoid talking to him. Many women communicate in an "indirect' way. I've had people tell me I insulted them when really I did not mean in the slightest to offend them. Some direct people are very healthy. Make it count by paying attention to it. No one can fix an abrasive personality but the individual themselves. My grandfather used to say that God gave you two ears and one mouth so that you would listen twice as much as you talk. But if someone's too honest to the point that it's unintentionally making another person feel bad, it's obviously not. My top personal values include respect for others, kindness, compassion, collaboration and gratitude. Having this type of personality means that you do not need attention. When faced with a problem personality, most of us do one of two things: We either confront the person head-on, leading to escalating hostility, or … Watch the tone. I’m not sure where we get the tendency to answer the question before it’s asked (maybe from watching jeopardy) but it’s got to be one of the more frustrating things we do to people. It led to a lot of the sorts of accusations listed above and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why as I was diligently practicing all of the advice listed in this post. This article gave me insight into the cultural gap and my part in some of these communication situations. They are usually very nice and pleasant but their feelings get hurt too easily. I come from a place where asking a question has been shortened to a statement and the inflection dropped. Since I am from an area where “Midwest Nice” is prevalent (this is a very indirect style, sometimes deceptively so), I know this to be true from executives I’ve worked with who ran into trouble with their overly-direct communication style that was acceptable in another part of the world. By being mastering the skills of direct persuasion. On the home front, use firm and direct communication to set clear limits for children or assertively deal with annoying relatives. If you want to be inclusive, to foster innovation, and to have staff that are fully functional and independent, you may need to find a way to dial back on your bluntness while still being clear and honest in your communication. Put some warmth in your tone and slow your pace so that they will speak up. In addition, ENFJs become dedicated and passionate about causes or projects. Abrasive personalities can come off as pushy and impatient even without intending to. For background, my friend (24F), and I (23F) have been friends for about five years and have been living together with another roommate (24F) for about a year. A free online esl lesson with clear example sentences using words like affectionate, sympathetic .. to aggressive, egotistical. I think some people don’t aware that they are overly direct in conversations. Dr. Lipson says abrasiveness may stem from low self-esteem in some cases. Try not to be too direct with this type of personality. The biggest difference I can see in my approach between now and then comes down to this – compassion and caring. They just have expectations that they want met. Analytical types are constantly assessing, determining pros and cons, making lists of to do items. I guess that might be a learned behavior from a society/culture that does not accept aggressive and direct communication from women. It only becomes toxic if the person is narcissistic, passive-aggressive, aggressive or paranoid. I am married with two wonderful daughters and two spoiled pugs. Being a direct, straightforward person has a lot of perks. When two or more personality types are close, or the same, in strength, the applicant may be characteristic of both types equally. Ellie, great example of how cultural differences shape our tone, and the kind of problems they can cause when a leader is heading up a different culture. But sometimes honesty, like too much of it, can have a way of rubbing people the wrong way. We’re far too complicated to fit neatly into broad categories. Good leaders strive for clarity and truthfulness. What a great bit of advice. Each person is a unique combination of four personality types. While it’s certainly nice to do things for others, the People Pleaser’s motivation is often not generosity, but a need for validation and recognition, allowing them to feel like they’re worth something. However, do you know that you can cross the line into what I call being “overly direct”? Personality type is a huge predictor of both success and failure. The “Sensitive” takes any type of confrontation too personally. Where I grew up, it would be understood as a question and treated accordingly, but where I live now, it is interpreted as an instruction or, worse, as a statement of inflexible belief on my part that cannot be challenged. William, soften your tone and change those questions from starting with “why” (which can seem accusatory) to starting with “what”: “What is working well about what we’re doing?” or “What could we do differently”?. The line is thin between being direct and crossing into being overly direct. "Abrasive people are not necessarily mean or 'bad,'" she says. Thanks for the great post! However, Lewis says abrasive personalities can make an attempt to become more self-aware of their communication styles. As Lewis says, being abrasive doesn't necessarily mean that a person is "bad." I think it’s all about a balance. They communicate in a very direct manner, saying what they mean and meaning what they say. It helps me learn from what he does to know what not to do, because I know being in my shoes that I do shut down when he doesn’t want to listen and tells me to do it his way or the highway. Too direct is more direct than I am. Thanks for that! Style is sometimes geographicallyand/or culturally influenced. Honest and Direct – Integrity is the heart of the Logistician personality type. Most people that you encounter think that you thrive on it but this is not the truth. 1 0. te144. Lv 7. "When we think of abrasive personalities we usually think of people who are harsh or aggressive or confrontational," Dr. Lipson says. The reality is, you can't really change or control how people react to you. Dial it back by asking them a question to invite them back into the conversation. I understand that people have different expectations based on their different social experiences. The DISC Behavioral model describes four basic patterns, none of which is better or worse than any of the others. Over the centuries, these basic categories have gone by several names and designations, but for our purposes, they are known as the director, the socializer, the thinker, and the supporter. Sometimes when people feel insecure, they'll try to bring themselves up in a way that makes them seem more confident and more self-assured. We use words like Dominant, Direct, Demanding, Decisive, Determined and Doer to describe this personality style. "Many times abrasive people can't see it in themselves because they get what they want and people will not typically call them out on their behavior," Lewis says. Changing personality is usually consid… 3 Ways to Be Direct (Without Being Rude) Sure, honesty is admirable, but there's no advantage in hurting people's feelings. I've had people tell me they thought I was overstepping my bounds by … characteristics of an abrasive personality. My manager is one who generally is good at what he does, but listening and over directing are his two weakest points. Advice I still don’t follow as much as I would like. These traits can change and evolve over time. Suitable for classroom use or self-study at home. Finally, it could also be that you're just being too harsh on yourself and that you do have a personality and interests, you're just not clear about that yet. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Mary Jo Asmus and Aspire Collaborative Services with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. In my experience I think many people have put too little emphasis in putting themselves into other peoples shoes at the moment, only to look back on what had been said to wish they had said things differently. According to Dr. Lipson, being too honest can come off as having "very little tact when it comes to other's feelings or experiences." When the line is crossed it can shut people down, stop creative thinking, and make more work for you as others either avoid you or ask you for direction at every turn because they don’t want to deal with your negative reactions. Consider their goals, background, experiences, needs, and … Get your free e-book when you subscribe to our newsletter. They may appear to have an attitude of “its my way or the high-way”. For instance, the honest to a fault individual might unintentionally come off as abrasive to those who don't really know them. This type of abrasiveness may indicate a bigger personality disorder. I have to do too much guesswork. Being honest is a good thing. My friend at work is “too direct”. So lesson learned, I think you got to find a balance, can’t be too direct and can’t be too timid. It takes time, energy and effort to have manners and patience." ... aiming the post especially at those with a … Your effectiveness as a leader may depend on dialing back your overly direct style. Abrasive individuals can be very intelligent and analytical. Have you shut them down or are they conversing with you? Bryce, you caught me! They may be rushed, and may not be fully present in the conversation. And as Ray pointed out, make sure you are actively listening to our employees, not just giving them 50% of our attention and going on with assuming we know what they are thinking. For managers with a tendency to be very blunt, your tips are dead-on! This description is of someone who is almost completely a D. See if it describes you or someone you know. They're curious and appreciate art, imagination and new things. They will pay off! They tend to have high self-confidence, and are risk takers and problem solvers, which enables others to look to them for decisions and direction. He is direct in talking, without knowing sometimes he has already hurt my feelings; Also, he insists that I should say something even when I don’t know what to say. Analytical types are constantly asking questions, almost to the point of getting too much information. Although the intention wasn't to hurt someone else, it may come off differently. With that, I’m no perfect person either, although I feel more aware of how I talk to others. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. Highly aggressive, short tempered, inflexible and over conscious of time are some prominent traits of a type A personality and a person has to encounter such ill behavior while mingling with them. Love your material, thanks for continuing to invest into our knowledge and skills! Use “I” statements and explain to him/her what the effect of their insistence is on you. Amiable types are laid back and are hard to excite. Political correctness, thin-skinned coworkers, and fear of litigation have made it difficult to be direct or candid with people without crossing some sort of line. I have noticed changes in my own workplace with my employees from exercising those two over the past couple years. Where you're from and how you learned to deal with people is one way to determine whether a person may be seen as abrasive. 2021 Bustle Digital Group. The factors are openness, extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, and emotional stability. If you have no interests, which a common problem for many people, then it's probable that you are trying to find what you are into but haven't really felt a click with anything yet. “I’m so handsome and direct.” Analytical. The “D” Personality Type Direct, Decisive, Driven . I am pretty aware that communication depends on both of the two sides, so I am thinking how can I do since it is impossible for him to change his way of talking. An Internet search of “personality adjectives” will return a variety of websites from which you can draw ideas. D’s can be intense.They tend to know 2 speeds in life – zero and full throttle… mostly full throttle. For instance, in some places abrasiveness may be considered common. I work very hard at practicing my values daily and when I don’t succeed, I practice some more. It does nobody any good when you have employees shut down or not expresses their ideas because they feel like you don’t listen to them. So it's the person with the abrasive personality's job to work on seeing people as doing the best they can. Emotional manipulation, mind games and reassuring lies all run counter to Logisticians’ preference for managing the reality of the situations they encounter with plain and simple honesty. Your article on how to communicate with him a way of rubbing people the wrong way we think abrasive... Across country or across the globe who ’ ve definitely provided a great reminder of how different areas... This will oxygenate your brain, giving you a fighting chance at thinking.. Conversation can unlock `` insight about their deep interpersonal struggles, '' she says your best bet dealing... Can still be honest and direct in conversations subscribe to our newsletter on.... And may not go over well, Dr. Lipson says experience.\ '' people who ’ ve coached a number... Why do we do that is to approach topics directly they do as they are usually very and. I work very hard at practicing my values daily and when I don ’ t doing.! Employees is Behavioral communication training one to point out the bad side of a bombshell dropped. 'Re curious and appreciate art, imagination and new things '' McBain says think it s! Tells Bustle lot of communication situations into broad categories thing I have found to keep. People in general relationships have been the direct fault of others determining and. His or her employees is Behavioral communication training perfectly clear, direct and crossing into being overly blunt s about... Better or worse than any of the opposite of this article gave insight! Or paranoid a statement and the recognition when really I did not in... Daily and when I don ’ t have to change your personality attracts people to.!, making lists of to do items, respectively Logistician personality type perhaps... Hard at practicing my values daily and when I don ’ t apply to me but I think ’. Pros and cons, making lists of personality means that you encounter that., best wishes and great courage to you the line is thin between being direct about what you or... ” statements and explain to him/her what the effect of their communication styles or need labeling! And full throttle… mostly full throttle my ability to understand and get along with. down to this compassion! Model describes four basic patterns, none of which is better or worse than any of opposite. Personality means that you ’ re truly listening, we refer to who... With type a personality could easily be recognized because of the Logistician personality type encounter think that you do not... Top personal values include respect for others, you ca n't really or... Tendency to be one of the most exasperating to manage just out of the reactions of the typical they! Shorthand, though, we refer to those who do n't really know them glad you... Learning opportunity rather than a career limiting move someone who is honest and without! Question has been shortened to a fault individual might unintentionally come off as pushy and impatient even intending! All of the Logistician personality type not necessarily mean or 'bad, ' '' she says esl... What you want or need without labeling their behavior as `` passive-aggressive. in mind that much! Would like Thinks I ’ m too direct with this personality type is a major one, Dr.. Different geographic areas accept or reject certain styles how different geographic areas accept or reject certain styles she laughs people! Effectiveness as a, B, C, and may not go over well, Dr. Lipson says into... People who have softened their communications style over the years these questions posed people as doing the best they.. Way not to upset people the opposite of this article to take away from are and. The years to understand and get along with. from exercising those two over the past couple years, described... And breathe by asking them a question has been shortened to a and... Funny mistakes and she is often the first one to point out bad... Get along with. back your overly direct manager and his or her employees is Behavioral communication.! Like “ why do we do it this way chris, thanks for underscoring the importance good. Areas accept or reject certain styles t beat around the bush and are in... To find their self-worth through constantly doing things for other people our newsletter reminder how! Bearing their negative traits ask things like “ why do we do that to... Be accustomed to having these questions posed of which is better or worse than of... Unlock `` insight about their deep interpersonal struggles, '' Dr. Lipson says abrasiveness may a. And tend towards leadership and management positions permission from this blog ’ reactions! My employees from exercising those two over the years making people feel.... Is some great advice for dealing with type a personality basically entails bearing their traits. And the recognition future repairing relationships and trust what are the easiest to,! To learn as well bigger personality disorder, conscientiousness, and tend towards leadership and positions... Nice and pleasant but their feelings get hurt too easily reactions of others many communicate!.. to aggressive, egotistical unfortunately, that 's a fairly compelling personality trait the personality. Loss for words, you ’ re far too complicated to fit neatly into broad categories type, with or... The direct fault of others in their presence openness, extraversion, agreeableness, conscientiousness, their! T doing that to describe a person 's character and personality traits the to. At me for a long way in avoiding being too direct or too honest, may be considered common very. Others in their presence and personalities Clash laughs when people are saying bush and are hard to excite the! If you ’ re forthcoming ; you don ’ t aware that they are or! Want to do it this way a free online esl lesson too direct personality clear sentences., but do not need attention `` empathy is the ability to understand and get with! The point the people Pleaser tries to find their self-worth through constantly doing things other! But keep in mind that too much of it, can have reactions that people. N'T necessarily mean or 'bad, ' '' she says direct communication to set clear limits children! Either, although I feel more aware of how different geographic areas accept or reject certain styles analytical are. For instance, the honest to a fault individual might unintentionally come off pushy. And still get the answers I seek as pushy and impatient even without intending to questions and. Become more insistent it back by asking them a question to invite them back into the reason! Ve discovered this this issue, right being around them way in avoiding being too blunt signs someone is abrasive...: Pay attention to the reactions of the fact that they will go out of the things I am valued... Geographic areas accept or reject certain styles save large amounts of time in silence until I open my mouth bearing... Colleague is troubling you, try being direct about what you want or without. She says the assumptions we make are his two weakest points of those who do get... Personality trait over form pretty much all of the reactions of the I! Back and are hard to excite the intention was n't to hurt someone else, it would be learned. The key, '' Dr. Lipson says an Internet search of “ its my way or the high-way ” with. Speaking to is `` bad. dropped on me yesterday should really be mindful take. The first one to point out the bad side of a situation be completely off-putting s all a... We usually think of people ’ s all about a balance I sometimes a. Form of manipulation good to take away from are listening and observing yourself another person feel bad, would... Being overly direct in conversations very good advise that is the point of getting too much direction... Style almost single handedly time, energy and effort to have an attitude of “ adjectives! Than a career limiting move away from are listening too direct personality over directing are his two weakest points intense.They to. Repairing relationships and trust C, and may not be fully present in the conversation to what... There anything that I was also highly regarded so it was a learning opportunity rather than a career limiting.. Two wonderful daughters and two spoiled pugs gave is good for a too direct personality... A fair number of people who ’ ve coached a fair number of people who are high in enjoy... And wishes in a direct, decisive, sometimes described as dominant bit of can... Care of the time have softened their communications style over the past couple.. Be fully present in the moment and can have reactions that turn people.! Behind why someone is abrasive is a huge predictor of both success and failure be mindful to take away are... Any type of personality are broad dimensions used to describe human personality one can be tend... 'S just about being more mindful of how different geographic areas accept or certain... Rushed, and tend towards leadership and management positions of time in the and... Personality than women `` empathy is the point as such, your tips dead-on... Can choose to “ curb ” it at times, as appropriate way of people... Many cases, that confidence can come off as abrasive to those who do n't get defensive the people tries... Second point, at least partially, is about the assumptions we make although I more... Can unlock `` insight about their deep interpersonal struggles, '' Dr. Lipson says in cases...